i find myself getting depressed again and missing my childhood. the smallest things, like going down certain streets or even the faintest of smells will make me nostalgic and i get so sad about it. i miss being carefree and stupid and naive and young. it’s not even fall yet (that’s when most of these feelings show up) and i’m already feeling meh.

i’m overwhelmed with how quickly this summer went by and am not at all prepared for uni starting back up; my senioritis is kicking in and i am unmotivated. my classes are online this semester and i can’t even roll myself out of bed long enough to get on the computer anymore to check what i have due. it’s pathetic.

at the moment, i have no intention of keeping up with my friendships and am actually growing tired of having to always be the first one to reach out to them; some days i want to ruin what i have with everybody altogether. nothing personal. i’m just exhausted of always being the voice of reason, or the glue that holds everything and everyone together.

i’m having scary thoughts about my loved ones passing away soon, and missing my grandpa and my cat more than ever. on top of that, my brother and i have been arguing nonstop because i am trying to help him go down the right path and prevent him from making all the same mistakes that i made when i was his age but  i feel disrespected and underappreciated by him and that in return is making me resentful and bitter.

i’m getting jealous over stupid/small things for no reason at all, and make up scenarios in my head that i get paranoid over.

i am literally in a constant state of anxiety and feeling like i’ll throw up. when i wake up, i feel like vomiting. when i’m hungry, i feel like vomiting. after eating? i feel like vomiting. before bed? gonna vomit. it’s so bad. it’s so bad. it’s so fucking bad.

the beginning of this summer started off so perfectly and i miss japan more than i can imagine, even though it hasn’t even been that long at all since i’ve been back. i feel like a part of me got left behind there. i feel homesick. and the saddest part of all is that i don’t even know what’s wrong with me but i’m just not happy anymore somehow. some days i’m better than others, but just the past hour has had me struggling. i don’t know. i hate how whiny and ungrateful i sound when in reality, i’ve had so many good things go my way and this year (knock on wood) has been so wonderful to me so far. i know this too shall pass, but also venting/getting this out somewhere helps too. i’ll probably delete this soon anyways.

sorry.